Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize