My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
