if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i think i have two assholes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
