Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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