I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
