just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
