We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
