I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
