I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
