I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
