I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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