I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
