tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
