he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
