my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
