I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
