Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
jump out the window naked night went bad
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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