please come you make the beer taste better
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize