Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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