Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
