non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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