with your own penis?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish my penis had a tongue
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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