ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize