The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
