the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
