Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
