sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
