Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
