Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
