Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
