My liver just broke up with me...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
