I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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