A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
