I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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