Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
