So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
