I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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