Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
