Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
