If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
