im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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