I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
