I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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