Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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