she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
