He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
