Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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