if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
