I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
