every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
