You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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