he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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