The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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