I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
