I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
