her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize