the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
