1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
