walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
