I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
