ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
