come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
