you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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