Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
