If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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