I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
