are you still at the devil's house?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
